Wheelock’s Fountain of Youth

A Fountain of Youth?

Gallons of New England Rum

Gallons of Malaga Wine

Pounds of sugar

Hundreds of lemons

Dozens of limes

1 pound of nutmeg

’Twas a Friday night in the springtime, and Hanover’s streets were bustling with throngs of homogeneous revelers. The average reveler had most likely attended a mediocre pregame, where clusters of kids pretend to be way drunker than they actually are prior to heading out into the night with a weak buzz. Dirty Daniel W. knew that it would be far too easy to blend into this crowd of poorly pre-gamed, short-sleeve Hawaiian shirt-ed youths. Dan also knew that big weekends call for bigger drinks, and that if his peers weren’t gonna get lit, the responsibility to ‘send it’ would fall to him. As Brown Hall’s resident hardo, Dan understood what was required of him: Wheelock’s Fountain of Youth had to be resurrected.

A year prior, while he was conducting research in the stacks, Dan had stumbled across an old cocktail recipe that was purportedly Eleazar Wheelock’s proprietary ‘elixir of life.’ The instructions on the back of the recipe read: “Only to be used in the most un-lit of situations.” The recipe also dictated that the cocktail must be made and consumed in a fountain. Staying true to the instructions, Dan assembled a great fountain in his room, which he filled with 50 gallons of New England rum, 20 gallons of Malaga wine, 20 pounds of sugar, 100 lemons, 50 limes, and 1 pound of nutmeg. The result was a rich, life-giving elixir, that was said to grant strange powers of invincibility to the drinker. What Dan failed to notice, however, was that the final instruction stated that the powers would only be granted if and only if the fountain was completely drained. Though it took Dan and his roommates an entire weekend to finish, Wheelock’s Fountain of Youth ultimately served to raise the pre-game median (in terms of savagery) on one of the most important weekends of the year. Dan is not the hero Dartmouth deserves; no, he’s the one Dartmouth needs.

– By Graham Three Bulls