Your alcohol education

Hey, Freshmen – bummed because you can’t buy beer? Ever thought about vanilla extract? You can find it up to 80-proof. Not a bad idea, is it?

There’s a lot to know about alcohol. Denatured alcohol, for example, is perfectly good booze to which has been added one of 80 legal poisons (called “denaturants”), turning what might have added a nice kick to your fruit punch into something else entirely.

So what about the ethanol that certain (soon-to-be former) senators want to add to gasoline since that whole MTBE thing went so well? Can you drink it or what? Ethanol, short for plain old “ethyl alcohol,” is the same exact stuff that’s your favorite ingredient in all kinds of cocktails and malt beverages. If it’s pure, of course you can drink it, but you’d probably want to avoid ethanol that’s already been mixed with gasoline (even if it’s flavored).

Just to be clear: never drink gasoline, even if it’s too late to buy another case of beer.

Besides, if you can find a place selling it, it’s never too late to buy vanilla.

To answer one often-asked question, antifreeze might be alright. Plenty of websites are quick to note that antifreeze will kill dogs, cats, and other pets pretty consistantly, but I couldn’t find anything similar about humans so it’s probably OK. Then again, antifreeze seems to be a not-uncommon euthanizing agent. In other words, your results may vary. Or not. In any case, I’ve heard anecdotally that antifreeze is a good substitute for bottom-shelf vodka (which, oddly enough, will ruin your car but not kill your pets).

Finally, a few quick and important tips on safe alcohol consumption:

1. Only look at the vermouth; don’t actually touch the bottle.

2. Buy a bartending guide. Or, if you live in a dorm room, you can use your computer. But if the pop-up ads really bother you, why not just email Barrett?

3. No Fleischmann’s. You’ll be happy you didn’t the next morning.

4. Never try to match a conservative stalwart drink for drink. You physically can’t.

5. Mixing top shelf anything with orange juice from a carton is a waste of money. Ask yourself this at the liquor store: do I really want to buy one bottle of Rain or five bottles of whatever that stuff with the cyrillic writing on it is?

That’s all for now. I hope this has been educational.