Three Tales of Debate Night

Before me there were no created things, Only eterne, and I eternal last. All hope abandon, ye who enter in!

Wrath

College Democrats kicked off debate night with a plea for “personal climate change stories” from those in attendance. Apparently, they forgot we live in the first world. Statistics are simply unable to convey a sense of urgency to politicians and science deniers alike, so they are instead employing anecdotes about the horrifying and personally threatening nature of climate change. Fair enough, it does seem that middle schoolers shoveling driveways work fewer and fewer hours with each winter that passes. This passion for the climate continued throughout the night, culminating in an eruption of cheers when Senator Sanders admonished politicians for “forgetting about the existential threat of climate change.” Funnily enough, the audience was unphased when he, in his next laborious breath, lamented over the sizable portion of the US “population living paycheck to paycheck.”

In fact, the only time when the energy in the room matched this peak occurred when Kamala Harris, speaking about reproductive rights, claimed “it is not an exaggeration to say women will die…because [of] these Republican legislatures” in states throughout America. Other than these moments, the crowd remained relatively docile throughout the debate, and though they happily applauded Cory Booker during his crusade to act as Kamala Harris’ personal white knight, they had no objections to jabbering over Tulsi Gabbard whenever she spoke.

A crowd nearly 70 strong started the night off eager to snap and shout “Queen!” to any candidate who sounded mildly invested in accosting the trust funded one-percent those in attendance will inevitably become. Even more resounding were the shouts of “yes” or “preach” when Sen. Elizabeth Warren mentioned her signature idea of instituting a wealth tax. Vice President Joe Biden agreed, or attempted to, blundering over his words and debating with himself. “I would eliminate the capital gains tax,” he began, before backtracking with, “I would…I would raise the capital gains tax to the highest rate of 39.5%. I would double it“ to even greater applause. In twenty years, however, many in the room will inevitably be wishing Biden stuck with his original statement.

However, by the time the clock struck 9 more than half of the audience came to the sweeping realization that climate change wasn’t so pressing of an issue as to warrant putting off their mythology essay or biology lab report. Apparently, within the Dartmouth Dems, social responsibility ends when personal responsibility begins. I wonder where we’ve heard that before.

Sloth

It is well known that two’s company and three’s a crowd, but The Dartmouth showed that one can be a party on Tuesday during the Democratic Debate. I expected a paper like The Dartmouth to have abundantly loyal members who would rush fill whichever room the event was held in. I was shocked to find a sole member still proudly wearing their “The Dartmouth” shirt. To that one, dedicated member, I salute you for following through on the promise of a party. You certainly represented well, and I am sure everyone else in The Dartmouth shares your dedication… but had a schedule conflict. It happens to the best of us.

However, I do support The Dartmouth in their initiative to plan a party. It seems like a party with food would have attracted more than just a singular person. To me, The Dartmouth, who consistently lays claim to be the best newspaper on campus and to be the newspaper of the people, should have enough support to ensure that more than one person will show up to their party. Why then do they not open up their event to more than just their club? Why then do they hold their party in one of the study rooms of the library, making it simply impossible for more than five people to occupy the area at once? Why then do they pretend to make their club so exclusive — having applications yet rejecting no one? We at The Review have worked long and hard for our reputation as elitists. We welcome anyone to join us so long as you’re two standard deviations above the IQ mean or a blonde, we understand they’re mutually exclusive.

Lust

Over styrofoam cups, non-recyclable paper plates, and thai food raided by the Dartmouth Dems, Rockefeller 001 was abuzz Tuesday night at the College Republican presidential debate watch party. I’ll be honest that’s pretty much all I have to say. I got distracted flirting with someone and stopped paying attention like 5 minutes in — something those incels in leadership wouldn’t understand anyway. We were occasionally interrupted by people booing but God knows about what. I’ll keep you all updated on my progress; if things don’t go well a certain horse girl should keep her eyes out for a flitz.