Daniel Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary: A Dartmouth Guide

ACTIVISM: Express mild disparagement to make yourself feel less earnest as you participate. The point is good feeling, not efficacy.

ADMINISTRATION, THE: Unfamiliar with Locke’s warnings about the inefficacy of coercion.

BAKER-BERRY: One of the few libraries to survive COVID-era budget cuts. However, we hear Sian has plans to convert it into a convention center.

BLUE-LIGHT CHALLENGE, THE: Much like taking Honors Organic Chemistry: not advisable.

CLOSED-MINDEDNESS: The condition of being wrong. “Why must everyone be so closed-minded?”

COLLEGE DEMOCRATS: The Hanover chapter of the Manhattan Democratic Party.

CONSTRUCTION: One of the Administration’s favorite Sisyphean endeavors. The utility of a given project can be estimated to be inversely proportional to the amount of campus disruption working on it creates.

“DAILY” DARTMOUTH, THE: No longer daily. The world’s oldest college newspaper, purportedly founded in the late Neolithic era. Known for histrionic executives, embezzlement scandals, and social-justice editorials written by freshmen who “summer” in Montauk.

DARTMOUTH: Conservative by nature. An intellectual wasteland until 1980.

DARTMOUTH CONSERVATIVES: Meetings consist of internecine debates between libertarians and conservatives.

DARTMOUTH DINING SERVICES: At once a Communist control economy and a crony Capitalist monopoly. They provide the best food at Dartmouth for the best prices, as theirs is the only food and theirs the power of price control.

DARTMOUTH EXPERIENCE: A précis of no more than a paragraph. Printable in college brochures or alumni newsletters. Must focus on a quirky interest, such as the semiotics of yodeling.

DARTMOUTH LIBERTARIANS: The host of many poorly attended events. Honored with an award for Excellence in Diplomacy, proving that participation trophies exist at Dartmouth.

DARTMOUTH OUTING CLUB: Formerly like a fraternity, but with flannel shirts, Carhartts, and a conspicuous absence of soap. Now like Amarna, but with flannel shirts, Carhartts, and a conspicuous absence of soap.

DARTMOUTH RADICAL, THE: Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise: It is possible to simultaneously be a communist and an Incoming Business Analyst at McKinsey & Co.

DARTMOUTH REVIEW, THE: Source of highly original quips about using itself as a doormat. Many agree with it, but few admit to reading it. In its 46-year history, it has produced prominent media personalities, presidential speechwriters, and a Pulitzer Prize winner.

DELINEATE: Use improperly. “We must delineate between progressive and violent laughter.”

DIVERSITY: Refers to immutable qualities only. An end in and of itself. It is our strength.

DRILL: Least nefarious reason to be walking across campus at 7am.

EXPRESSING YOURSELF: The point of life.

FEELINGS: Must be protected at all costs.

FIZZ: That rare combination of hilarious, horrifying, and cringeworthy.

FLITZ: Contraction of “flirtatious” and “Blitz” (the name of the College’s retired email system). What you send to that pretty wallflower you can’t quite muster the courage to ask out in person.

FOLKS: Who knew that West Virginia was the birthplace of gender-neutral pronouns? Also featured in Looney Tunes. Spelled “folx” by true experts.

FOREIGN STUDY: Useful for finding yourself. The constant target of Parkhurst budget cuts. Afterwards, post pictures on Instagram in which you can be seen posing with the fascinating foreign people you encountered.

FRATERNITIES: Large, brick devices used to oppress people. Nevertheless, well attended.

FREE SPEECH: Of course you’re for it. “Duh.” But where do we draw the line?

GOOD SAM: Everyone’s favorite Dr. Seuss character. If it happens to you, you found the beer stranded on the side of the road.

GREAT BOOKS: “Who says? By whose standards?”

GREEN KEY: Dartmouth’s very own celebrity music festival.

HARD-ALCOHOL BAN: A system cleverly designed by the administration to improve Dartmouth’s image and neutralize those students who will likely create PR problems.

HAZING: There is no hazing at Dartmouth College.

HOMECOMING: Old alumni from New York get bused up to campus to watch you walk around a fence.

HOUSING SYSTEM: Dartmouth’s equivalent of homeroom. You will make memories elsewhere.

INDIAN, THE: The apex of racial ignorance; insult and/or assault passersby who wear it.

ISRAEL: If only Dartmouth would divest from it, all violence in the Middle East would cease immediately.

IVY LEAGUE: Acceptance to a member school validates the way in which your parents raised you, no matter how much you may loathe them as a result.

JOKES: Should serve a cause, like subverting the patriarchy. Dangerous when used to hold people to normative standards.

KING ARTHUR FLOUR: Latest band of plucky Vermont socialists to lose their fight against the fascist DDS.

LAUNDRY SERVICE, THE: Separates your light clothes from your dark clothes for $1000 a year. Also separates the haves from the have-nots.

LINE, THE: Speculate about where to draw it when you panic and can’t think of anything else to say.

MALE-DOMINATED: Anything popular.

MATTRESS COMPANIES: The extracurricular of choice for budding financial analysts who wish to display their financial acumen in a low-profit, low-margin way.

NEOCONSERVATIVE: A useful epithet for undesirable things.

NEOLIBERAL: A useful epithet for undesirable things, like the average Dartmouth student’s politics.

NOWHERE, THE MIDDLE OF: How every student from New York and L.A. describes Hanover, blithely ignoring the fact that this is the most consequential town for miles.

OFFENSE: A subjective phenomenon that does not need explanation or rationalization.

OTHER, THE: Fourth-wave objectification. Always capitalized. Useful on those occasions when referring to other people as a plural entity is simply too pedestrian. “We will examine how Shakespeare views The Other.”

OUTDOORS, THE: If you don’t like it, you have come to the wrong place.

PATRIARCHAL: Most things in life. Institutions are everywhere.

PATRIOTISM: Creepy. “Dissent is the highest form of patriotism.”

PAST, THE: Populated by racists, misogynists, bullies, twits, and prudes. All else is superfluous.

PHALLIC SYMBOL: Profound. If you haven’t done the reading, flip to a random page and point one out in class discussion. Must be taller than it is wide. See Baker Tower.

POLITICALLY CORRECT: The best kind of correct.

PRIVILEGE: Like all baggage, must be checked.

PRONOUNS: Your email signature is incomplete without them.

RELIGION: Always “organized.” Spirituality is better, particularly given that it doesn’t place any restrictions on enjoying tri-weekly on-nights.

RIGHT TO YOUR OPINION, THE: “You have the right to your opinion, but…”

SCIENCE: Science™. Worthy of religious devotion until you need a science distrib. “Why isn’t Astro 1 a layup anymore?!”

SELF, THE: Tack onto paper titles when you are desperate; e.g., “Late Capitalism and the Self.”

SELF-CENSORSHIP: Your staunch refusal to say what’s on your mind. Chief subject of all Maoist struggle sessions while attending WGSS classes.

SELLING OUT: Your acceptance of a financial or consulting job despite being an English major. Placate yourself by writing mediocre poetry.

SEVEN, THE: Endorsed by The Dartmouth.

SEUSS, DR.: A recently canceled alumnus. We fear the coming Whoville erasure.

SNAKE: Can be found slithering through an Econ major. Might not be better than you, but will certainly make more money.

SOCIALIST: Professor who insists on living in Vermont just to pay the taxes.

SOLIDARITY: Standing with the oppressed peoples of the world (particularly the Novack workers). Has nothing to do with Lech Wałęsa.

SPARE RIB: Like The Radical, but with more words and fewer men.

STACKS, THE: Six levels of Baker Library known for their quiet (almost eerily so) study atmosphere. Take caution when walking around. You never know whom you’ll run into…

STUDENT ASSEMBLY: Sends strongly worded emails to the administration.

TENURE: Chief obstacle to academic rigor.

TRADITIONS: Sing about them wistfully, but do your best to ensure they fail.

TRIPS: Ostensibly the best part of your Dartmouth Experience. A cross between Richard Simmons and Naked and Afraid.

TURNING POINT USA DARTMOUTH: Named after the moment when someone finally decides to start a conservative club at Dartmouth. Not to be confused with the point at which Dartmouth students actually change their minds.

UNSAFE: Anything that you find remotely disagreeable.

WHEELOCK, ELEAZAR: Dr. Jill Biden to the Abenaki.

WOCCOM: Contraction of “walk” and “Occom.” A trite and sheepish first date, or a listless and scornful last date. Alternatively, a calming nighttime jaunt perfect for sobering up with a cigarette away from our “tobacco-free” and ethanol-infused campus.

X, THE: Your first introduction to the harsh realities of the free market. Worthy of derision—unless you benefit from it.